Chapter or Story
In the summer, California is even more vibrant than usual. It’s the land of never changing seasons to the non-locals. But the residents, we know the difference. We know the palm tree leaves are greener, the beaches more alive, and the hot bodies tanner. We’re always the first in new direction. Always. Everyday you’ll find yourself complaining about the scorching heat that warms to your bones. And how much you hate this weather. But that’s part of the beauty, that’s what makes this the Golden State. That’s why you’re proud to live in a place that makes everyone so jealous of you.
Almost ninety degrees on the Fahrenheit scale, and I found myself in the car, on the I-5 freeway. I was on my way to see Kieran, my boyfriend of two years. I’d just finished a photo shoot in the Inland Empire, and was now on my way back to L.A. County.
Photo shoot? Yes, photo shoot. A little after I finished high school, my mom insisted that we send in pictures of me to a couple of modeling agencies. I didn’t want to do it, but she said that if I wasn’t going to get married, and if I wasn’t going to college, then she was going to find something to do for me instead. Some things happened…and I ended up as a model.
Yeah. I spent four years of high school at Park Laine Academy, a prestigious and private high school where pretty much only kids from Beverly Hills (my hometown) go. If you go to Park Laine, you can really go to any college you want, as long as you got good grades and did a few extracurricular activities during your days there. And I did all that but…I just didn’t feel like college was for me.
It wasn’t what I wanted, but I just figured that I’d get married to someone with as much, or more money as my family. And I expected that by the time I was nineteen. But my senior year at Park Laine, I met Kieran, and he changed all that.
There was so much possibility with Kieran. See, he’s not from Beverly Hills. With his super genius kid skills, he got a scholarship to attend Park Laine (yes, it really is that expensive). Kieran was, and is, in a band, Tainted Fate. He was smart, and qualified for Ivy League, but it wasn’t what he wanted. What mattered to Kieran, and what he wanted, was to be in his band, put out a record, tour, and all that comes with that. He didn’t just want it either; he and his band were doing something for their dream, to get to where they wanted. He introduced me into all these things I never would have known.
Kieran asked me out on the first night I saw Tainted Fate live. The band put on a great set. By then, I’d known him for two weeks maybe, and I’d never seen him look so happy. He was shy from the start, but when he was on stage, wow, he was completely different. With every note he played and sang, there was confidence. I knew then that in his band, and playing on stage, that’s where he belonged.
We walked to the beach after they’d finished, that’s where he asked me out. Things got both thrilling and complicated from there on. I had to hide the relationship from my parents. Of my family, only Jeremy, my brother, knew. It became this huge ordeal and Kieran never really warmed up to the idea that my parents would never like him.
But that didn’t break us up. What triggered the breakup was my eighteenth birthday party. Nathan, another guy that I was being set up with, so to speak, kissed me without consent. Kieran saw it and pushed him away…and a fight ensued. So people found out, my parents got mad, and when I went to see Kieran the next day, he broke up with me.
His reasoning was so rational. He was looking out for me, and he was doing the right thing. It’s a long story, really. I’ll just tell you that problems were solved, and things worked out. Two years later, I’m still with him.
He changed my destiny. I didn’t have to go against my will and marry a hotshot rich kid. I’m with someone I choose to be with, I’m with someone I love. But back to my point, I never thought about college, I didn’t want to go to college. Whether or not I was married young, I had some strings attached; I would still be living the good life with more than enough to suit my needs.
My mom wanted me to do something with my time. My older siblings were both occupied. Sara, my sister, has a family now, and my brother Jeremy is gaining more and more responsibility in my family’s business. He’s also engaged, ready to be married in the fall. Then, at eighteen, my mother wasn’t going to just let me become lazy and useless. Somehow, and I don’t know how, the whole model thing worked out. Ford Models, the international agency, called and said they wanted to meet me and talk about a deal.
When we went to Ford’s Los Angeles office, housed right in Beverly Hills, my mom was over ecstatic. I thought that it would be a fun thing to do; get paid for my picture, but I wasn’t bouncing off the walls about it. I did, however, cozy up to the idea when I learned all the details.
Need a breakdown of it? Okay.
All photo shoots that are outside of the Southern California area, I get to travel to for free. I get to see some of the most beautiful spots in foreign countries. I get to wear designer clothes, for free. Some of the clothes I get to keep, depending on how generous the designer is, and how much they like me. It’s not like it’s hard work either. Professionals do your hair and makeup, and then a stylist fits you for clothes, while the crew gets everything set up. After that, you pose, and the director of photography coaches you when you need it. The range of frames that they shoot is between 70 and 100, so you whore yourself out to the camera for (a lot) less than an hour. Then you’re done.
Expect a royalty check in the mail in a couple of weeks.
My life is super easy and fun, too.
The photo shoot I’d just finished in San Bernardino (which I referred to earlier as the Inland Empire) was one of those theme campaigns, for Teen People, I think. It was showcasing what was apparently hot for the next couple of months. The shoot was taken in a bowling alley for…reasons that I don’t know. I like my job, and I enjoy it, but that doesn’t mean I always understand or agree with it.
I apologize to you right now if you think modeling and the whole fashion industry is degrading to others. But it’s my job, and I like it.
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It seemed that even before I’d gotten through the front door of Kieran’s house, he’d wrapped his arms around me and kissed my lips. “Hey, babe.”
In high school, I’d hated the whole babe thing, and I still hate it. But since he was Kieran, and because of the way I felt about him, I still smiled. “Hey.”
“I missed you,” were his next words.
Immediately he took my hand, pulling me with him towards the direction of the stairs. I was practically skipping as we ascended upstairs to the second floor; he was like, dragging me. I didn’t even get a chance to look around and appreciate the hominess of his house, which I loved by the way.
I smirked. “You saw me yesterday.”
“True,” Kieran replied as he turned the knob and pushed his room’s door open. “But only for like an hour.”
“You were falling asleep just talking to me,” I reminded, walking in. “And no offense, but you didn’t smell so great.”
“Eh,” he shrugged. “I blame it all on the tour.”
Tainted Fate had just finished a string of tour dates with Greeley Estates, and Provided With Product. It was probably the biggest tour they’d ever done thus far. Usually they would do legs of tours, usually the west or east coast. But this time, they toured the whole country for three months. The last time I’d seen Kieran before yesterday was the beginning of May when they did the California dates.
Now, Tainted Fate was home to record their first full length. Their EP, Reduce Your Debts, came out last year. At first, it was released independently. Tainted Fate got local love from California; they’d been at the whole band thing since they were like, fourteen. Kids had started to really care by then. I remember when things started getting hectic, and Tainted Fate had trouble handling all the orders that were coming in.
It was the Internet that did wonders. The boys polished up a few of their demos and put them up on both Purevolume.com and FreshOffTheBoat.org. By the end of 2005, they had beaten out some of their favorite bands on both sites for profile views and listens/downloads. That was their excuse to start touring the west coast, with another local band, A Last Solution. It was so cool for them to play in a place that was a couple of hours away from home and actually have kids there who knew their songs, kids who were there for them.
A little band without a label was filling up venues with capacities between 250 and 500. A couple of labels took notice to this, including Epitaph, whom Tainted Fate signed with in February. Epitaph picked up the EP as well, making it available in stores, and that brought in even more kids who would become fans and haters. Because that’s what happens when you’re signed onto the same label as Dropkick Murphys and From First to Last. All the rad kids supported the band, went to their shows, and bought the EP. Thanks to the kids and the Internet, word was spread on Tainted.
It would get bigger for Tainted Fate. Week after week, more and more kids were at the shows, knowing every single word to every song. Eventually, kids on the east coast demanded on the message boards that Tainted Fate show them some love. And after that it was kids from Texas…so a small national tour, still with A Last Solution, ensued.
Junk food every day for a month, stories from the road, kids who made sure the venues were more than half full, and gave them places to crash. It started as the foundation of Tainted Fate becoming more known to the so-called scene. Kieran would call me, very ecstatic, every night and talk my ear off for at least an hour. He’d tell me everything that happened in a day. Thank God for T-Mobile’s nationwide long distance and nights, and weekends for free.
The whole kids making sure there was a crowd and a place for the band to crash every night became…well, the band got used to it. It happened everywhere they went. For the whole month, neither Tainted Fate nor A Last Solution had to come up with the money to sleep in a crappy motel. They went on their own message boards, called up friends of friends, and/or asked kids before or after the show if they could sleep at their homes for the night. Guaranteed, there would always be at least a few people who wouldn’t mind (and actually even wanted) dirty, smelly, tattooed, tired guys in their early twenties at their homes. It was lame and cool all at the same time.
“It was worth it though, right?” I wondered.
“Very,” Kieran nodded. “But I missed you. Why do you think I called you every night?”
“To piss me off when you called to explain every single detail of Florida when it was 12 there and 3 here.”
He laughed. “I’m sorry the time difference was such a bitch.”
Indeed it was. This last tour, with Greeley Estates wasn’t just a couple of dates, or a few weeks, or a month, it was three months. Lots, lots, lots of things had happened and I had gotten full details. From a story of Seth vomiting all over a girl’s shoes after they’d all consumed too much alcohol, to a story about someone’s mom making them the best cookies ever when they stayed with this girl in Ohio (yes, they again were too cheap for sleazy motels); I’d heard about it all. I have to admit, they were good stories, and a big part of my day was looking forward to Kieran’s call, whether I was in Los Angeles or Milan.
“You call me at crappy hours to gloat and make me jealous that you can live that way,” I accused, “and in style.”
“Aw, sorry, Miss I-go-to-a-foreign-country-for-a-photo-shoot-a-few-times-every-month,” he retorted. The smirk on his face flaunted his dimples that I will forever be going on about.
Pouting again, I back away from Kieran and crossed my arms over my chest. “You’re mean to me.”
Kieran laughed again, the light shining in his green eyes. “You know I’m only kidding. I mean, I love,” he spoke as he moved to the desk to pick up a magazine. He quickly flipped to a dog-eared page, “being able to open one of these crazy magazines and seeing my girlfriend looking all amazingly beautiful in it.”
“That’s sweet, Kieran.” I wrinkled my nose. “But…you bought this?”
“Yes, I did. Some convenience store in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania,” he explained. “I said to myself that I would definitely find you in one. So I…looked gay…flipping through all these girly magazines.”
Wait for the day I make the cover of Cosmo, and then you will look really gay buying that.
Taking the magazine, Allure, I checked the ad. I liked being in these kinds of magazines so much more than Teen People. It was a photo shoot I remembered well. I was wearing about five million layers of MAC foundation and Studio Fix powder to promote the “natural look” that these products gave. Yeah, layers caked onto my face, and I was promoting natural. It was one of those shots when they shined way too much light in my direction. I’d gotten used to blinding light focused directly at me, but this light was just different. It was literally blinding, and hot, too.
In the shot, my eyes were open wide, pretty lashes and all. But in reality, I couldn’t see anything. The director of photography hated me that day, that I am sure of. I kept having to look away, trying to get my vision back. They had to shoot like, 30 more frames than usual since I was being “difficult”. But now, the end product, in the ad, my skin was even more flawless than usual (I mean that in a non-conceited way. God, I just have smooth skin…), the color of my eyes looked Photoshopped, and my lipstick had never looked better.
Models have pretty faces, sure, but makeup and airbrushing do wonders.
“What’d the cashier say when you bought it?” I asked Kieran.
“The guy looked at me like I was really freaking creepy,” he answered. “I told him you were my girlfriend, and he, of course, didn’t believe me. So I took those photo booth pictures of us out from my wallet to prove it to him. I especially threw in his face the one where we’re kissing.”
I hit his shoulder. “You are creepy.”
“It doesn’t matter though,” Kieran shrugged off, and pulled me, by the elbow to the bed. We both sat down. “Because you’re in love with me.”
“I am,” I had to admit, with a smile. “I am in love with you.”
“Well good,” Kieran had his arm around me again. In his hug, I fell down against his chest, both of us now lying down on the bed. This was comfortable, totally and completely comfortable. “I’m in love with you, Lana.”
Our relationship was so strong. And I don’t know what it was, or why, but something kept telling me that I had to test us. I knew that we would get through it. We were in love with each other. We made each other happy and had a lot of fun together. There was care and compassion; Kieran and I had it all. And of course, like in any stable and healthy relationship, Kieran and I had our fights, with the great make-up sex after. In two years we’d gotten through a lot. How could we not stand a test, right? For sure, we’d want each other back.
But the thing that made me want to test our relationship is that tiny little voice inside me that says we won’t make it. It’s the thing that scares me the most. It’s pretty instilled and engraved in my heart and mind that I’ll be with Kieran forever. I truly believe that. I want that.
I was at Target a couple of days before the boys came home, getting some pictures from my digital camera developed. Random employee at the photo center had to be a cute guy who was way too nice, and kept asking if I needed any help. That got me thinking, you know. There is someone out there in the world for me. What if it was this guy? What if it was someone I hadn’t even met yet? The one guy in the world for me might be a random person, and I had no idea. And what if I didn’t get to meet him because I was wasting time with Kieran? Optimism brings possibility.
Ugh. Optimism sucks. Possibility sucks. Everything sucks.
Seriously though, what if I find someone who’s more perfect, more caring, more amazing than Kieran? What if I find myself loving somebody more? That’d break my heart, and then I would be the one breaking it.
That would be for the better though, correct? I’d find the one, and love him for the rest of my life. We’d live happily ever after. It does seem good…
What I hate to think more is that there might be someone better for Kieran than me—someone he’ll care more about, someone he’ll love more, someone who makes him feel more complete than I do. I hate that that’s possible. But if that were to happen, I’d want Kieran to pick her over me. I’d want him to have his happily ever after, even if it I wasn’t a part of it.
I have to do this. I need to test us; I need to make sure. I hope to God we’re meant to be. I hope these doubts from that little part inside me don’t mean anything at all. I hope this is just a good test that will make us even stronger.
Kieran interrupted my thoughts when he kissed my forehead. Trying to push the thoughts away, I kissed his chin. I smiled to myself when my lips weren’t met by too much stubble, and at the smell of his after-shave. Mmm. My boyfriend’s even better when he’s clean and showered than he is on stage. A day of rest after a tour is good for hygiene, obviously.
Following the affection I gave him, Kieran kissed my neck, and my cheek, and then my lips. After that came make out action. And that just led to…another thing.
All this stopped me from going forward with my test plan and telling Kieran we needed a break. All of it: picking on each other, spending time with him, the intimacy, and being able to connect and talk to him. No one understood me like Kieran did. All of this was why after three years, I still wasn’t sick of him, or us. This is why I felt like I could just be with Kieran forever.
- Remember the whole modelling thing from what was the sequel before? Good.
- Yes, I do watch too much ANTM. No, I don't get everything from there. Research too, duh.
- Tainted Fate and "Reduce Your Debts" obviously don't exist.
- Signed to Epitaph? Yeah, right. I'm too lame for my own good sometimes, sorry.
- A Last Solution is fake. Greeley Estates is real, let's pretend like they're deserving enough of their own headlining tour in 2006, okay?
- Kieran and Lana are lame? Yeah, I make them that way.